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The reason

November is never a comfortable month for me.  
At the start of November we have a bunch of longer term stuff - 11 November - which aside from Rembrance Day which makes me think of my grandparents and my dad, is the anniversary of the maternal granddad's death.  
Then we have a few painful anniversaries, before 28th November - which this year marks 7 years since my Dad died.  And as happens every seven years - the days of the week match up with exactly when it happened.  
And right now my Mum is in hospital in London.  She had her operation this morning.  She survived - and is in recovery, but we won't know if it was successful for a while.
It's just all been up and down.

Jen has been fantastic, too good to me.  She's had to put up with so much.  I love her.

It really gets to me how this time just bounced me around.  It's mad.

So much.

I'm sad today.
There are a lot of reasons why.
It's not like I can even pick on one reason and say this is the main one.

The Weekend At Keele

Well this last weekend was good. I finally went back to Keele for a visit. On the whole it wasn't bad. I suppose in some ways summing it up is a bit of balancing act between things which are general, things with are specific to me & Jennifer, and things which only really effect me. 
It sounds a little complicated – but it isn't really.
The low point of the weekend – aside from two minor arguments we had, the low point of the weekend was loosing my digital camera somewhere in Keele. Heaven only knows where it ended up.
The highlight of the weekend – aside from snuggling with Jennifer, was the escaping pumpkin. Jennifer and her friends have planned to celebrate thanksgiving and on Monday evening had been shopping for ingredients for cooking etc. One of these was a pumpkin which was due to come to Jennifer's flat with her and me. Anyway we got on the bus, and I put the bag containing the pumpkin on the floor, while I dug in my rucksack for something. When I picked up the bag – no pumpkin. The girl on the seat in front of us looked across and asked 'Did you two have a pumpkin?”
Jennifer said 'Yes...' to which the girl replied that it had rolled away.
It turned out when the bus had braked and stopped on Hartshill the pumpkin had rolled down the bus and out of the door!
The overall feelings of the weekend were complicated. I was really glad to see Jennifer. It was great to see her and be with her again. There are, after all, some conversations you can only have face to face. 
She's thinking about her postgraduate options now, and hopefully won't make the mistakes that I did, which is what I want her to avoid. I think the main problem was we had forgotten in some ways why we were friends in the first place, but focusing too much on trying to make the relationship work. But after this weekend it feels like both are going well. 
Personally for me the biggest thing apart from that was the feeling of displacement and detachment. I no longer felt a part of things at Keele. Even sitting on one of the sofas in the Lounge bar and picturing nights out from the past I couldn't quite feel the connection to those around me that I had felt before. It was odd and at the same time a little bit comforting. 
I've often wondered whether I should have reconsidered my decision to leave Keele, or whether I should have applied there for postgraduate work. But now I realise more firmly that ever that it was time to leave and move on. York is where I'm aiming, and seeing Keele and some of the things I miss – studying, fencing – I want it more than before – and so I'm refocused on finding a job and putting away the money for next year. 
To quote my revolutionary studies tutor it's now 'Forward in Hope'.


Well I'm back in Eastbourne after my visit up to Keele (long entry about that coming soon).
I'm getting things sorted on the job hunting front and sorting out my training.  I am going to get there!

Livejournal randomness

Just a quick apology to everyone (not that anyone ever comments :P ) for my recent absence from LJ - things have been a bit up and down.

A turbulent week

It's been a very up and down week even for me.  
I had an informal interview at tREDS in town which will be opening soon for a part time sale vacancy.  It seemed to go okay - I've been told I should here either way in the next few days.  
I'm still going up to Keele this coming weekend to see Jen although it's been on and off all this last weekend because various things have ended up falling on that weekend which can't be moved - so we're not going to be seeing each other as much as we had hoped.  I'm really looking forward to going though.  I really miss Jen and I'm really looking forward to seeing her even if we won't get as much time together as we hoped.

Rememberance Day is always difficult.  Thoughts of Grandad S, Grandad C, Dad, Johnnie.  It doesn't help that Grandad C died on 11 November some ten or more years ago.  He had cancer.  Survived being left for dead in the Burmese jungle for two weeks, and died in a hospital in Britain.  Grandad S died of old age generally - he was 97 I think.  He'd fought in the Battle of Jutland and was one of the survivors from one of the ships that went down.  He still had shrapnel from it buried in his leg and chest.  Dad was involved in the last days of World War II in the Fleet Air Arm.  He got an honourable discharge - shellshock.  He'd been firewatching and rebuilding factory roofs during the Blitz and the explosions wrecked his nerves.  He still answered the call and served, but it was decided he was medically unfit.  Soldiering is just something my family does.

So this week my main aim it to tidy and sort out my room - it's overcrowded with junk and needs alot of sorting to get things organised.  I don't want to leave it in a state when I go away at the weekend - because coming back to a messed up room is just not good.

I've also got to get some vague organisation in my Uni stuff.  Part of me thinks it would be a good idea to put it into storage.  Equally part of me thinks that I should keep it around to help keep me motivated.


Job Progress

Had a short informal interview for a job in a shoe shop.  Went well.  Should here something in the next couple of days.
Hopefully positive.